Life Lessons: The loss of my Grandmother
Intro
My Grandmother passed away on July 2nd Twenty-Twenty Four due to Cancer/Kidney related problems. My Grandmother was Eighty-One years old, and I know for a lot, that this age is AMAZING for one to reach. Still my experience when it comes to age/passing is that she passed away relatively young compared to other family members. Before her passing, I had never experienced a significant death of another, so grief and loss was something quite new to me. Her passing has taught me so much about the world, myself, and is something I would like to share. There are five non-linear but more wavelike stages of grief and loss which are: Shock/Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Below, I will share with you how each stage has affected me thus far, as I begin to work towards healing.
Taking things for Granted
“Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It protects us until we are equipped to cope with reality”- C.S. Lewis. My Grandmother was my rock, my best friend, and a mother figure for me who raised me for nearly half my life. My family lineage tends to live very long. Age ninety and up is not uncommon, so my Grandmother passing at eighty-one was not something I thought could ever happen; I thought I had so much more time with her. What made this even more jarring for me, was the fact that I felt my Grandmother was saying goodbye for a long time, and I was in denial about it. I would receive random gifts from her throughout one to two years such as watches, purses, a Build a Bear with a recording that said “I love you Jackie”, a laser-embedded picture of herself into wood that said “To Jackie, my loving Granddaughter, I carry you in me always!- Love Grandma”, etc. All these signs initially made me cry whilst generating curiosity and sadness. With that said, unfortunately to my demise, when I questioned things I was told that everything was “ok, It’s just a gift”, but deep inside I knew these things weren’t just gifts. When emotion began to take over too much I shoved it elsewhere, dried my tears, and fell into this world of denial that something was wrong. One of the first lessons I learned was to never take anything for granted.
“Taking one for granted is failing to properly appreciate (someone or something), especially as a result of overfamiliarity.”
I talked to my Grandmother quite often and loved her dearly. There would be times when we talked nearly every day of the week. I am happy I was present as much as possible during her time here on earth especially being nearly three thousand miles apart from each other. I never thought I could fall into the realm of taking people for granted but taking a glimpse back at the past, I now know that I did just that. My expectation of her living well into her nineties hit me hard, and when that did not happen it led to immense amounts of pain and disappointment. Living past Ninety was the norm, it was familiar, and seeing my Grandmother as someone who couldn’t possibly experience a different outcome, resulted in me taking her for granted. Losing my Grandmother raised awareness that nothing in this world is guaranteed, everything can be gone in the blink of an eye, and having expectations can be damaging to the psyche. From her passing I now know the importance of being in the present and that people are not invincible.
Loss of control/Letting go of control
Anger, Bargaining, and Depression. I have always been a controlling person, this stems from somewhat of a natural human instinct, but for me it was predominantly due to childhood trauma. I say a human needing/wanting control is somewhat natural because we have to survive, we inherently crave to survive, and with that; we seek control to survive. For me, childhood trauma played a role in that as I had this inherent need, but remained in survival mode for too long. Unfortunately, this led to this greater need to have control over EVERYTHING because I lacked having it while younger. As an adult, I have been in a lot of therapy, trainings, and mental health workshops to work on myself and to also obtain information for others. I am doing better with letting go of this frequent need to have control, but it is still something I’m working on, and probably will always work on.
My Grandmother’s passing was not something I had control over and that drove me nearly insane. I had become so angry at my higher power, questioning “Why she was called home so early in life, why couldn’t I be blessed with her great grandchild(ren) before she passed, is this a punishment, why…why…why?”. This type of questioning is not healthy, and I am well aware this was my last attempt to gain control. It took me a few weeks to remember all that I had learned as an adult and to snap back into reality: acknowledging that death is not something you have control over. Death is one of, if not the biggest, part of life that you do not have control over. Getting to this stage is challenging for a lot of people, and everybody’s journey with this looks different. However, I can say it is very freeing when you let go of control with things that are out of your control.
“Everybody dies but not everybody lives”
Acceptance. Ok, I don’t mean to quote Aubrey “Drake” Graham because “They not like us”. lol, Ok let me stop. While my support for the rapper(s) has diminished quite significantly over the years, I love this phrase from the collaborative song he did with Nicki Minaj, from her song “Moment for Life”. One of the biggest struggles I had with my Grandmother’s passing was visually seeing how you cannot take anything with you once you pass and how much material stuff does not matter. Seeing all her material items, memorabilia, etc…just sitting there after her passing was very difficult for me. It showed me that I need to shift my perspective on life. Within my family images are/were everything and having material possessions is highly valued. I believe this came from an extensive history of not having much in life (poverty, oppression, slavery, etc.) that greatly occurred the higher up you go on my maternal side’s family tree.
I have a lot to say about this topic but will save that for another blog. To make things short, I was raised to be “representing” of my family, was taught to value the way I look, value other people’s opinions, and tend to others' needs (people-pleasing behavior) regardless of how I felt. This is a very toxic cycle and the term for this family dynamic is Enmeshment. Now this did not come solely from my Grandmother per se, this was a generational/community problem, as from my experience the black community (other communities might struggle as well, but I am black/African American, and can only speak to my own) in general struggles with this.
“Jackie everything is going to be ok, Carl, “Yes ma’am”, everything is going to be ok, Michael, “ma’am”, everything is going to be ok”
In addition, we live in the era of social media which predominantly affects Millennials, Generation Z, and Alpha. I am bringing this up because Media/Social Media has really promoted celebrity/influencer culture, overconsumption, and constantly being fed this lie that you are not enough or have enough. If you are not rocking the best designer labels, your skin isn’t flawless like glass, race/skin tone not socially acceptable, on the “wrong” side of the societally deemed appropriate weight spectrum, don’t have the biggest house, not a millionaire before age twenty-five, or able to go traveling 24/7, then you basically “suck”. These are just some of the sickening messages a lot of the world sees daily. It is difficult to navigate through these messages but it is important to work towards living your most authentic self, because time is limited, and you cannot take anything with you once you pass.
A question to ask is, "How do you want to be remembered, what will help you feel the most whole, content/happy, and proud of yourself when your time comes?
I was very blessed to see how much life my Grandmother was able to live. In my opinion, her generation went through a lot of eras in life. My grandmother was the daughter of my great-grandmother whose own mother lived through slavery/post slavery. My Grandmother lived through the civil rights era, witnessed the first black president, technology being generated/shifts at rapid rates, multiple economic highs and lows, and so much more. My Grandmother was the most bougie yet humble person I ever knew, a woman of God, and the hardest worker. She navigated single motherhood, supported her children/herself on her own, and played a big role in raising her Granddaughter. I would not be alive today if it were not for my Grandmother.
My Grandmother has shown me how important it is to take care of yourself, not give up, and live your life to the fullest. To give you insight into how amazing my Grandmother was, one of the last phrases I remember hearing before her passing was, “Is there enough for everybody?”. She asked my dad when food was being delivered to her in the hospital, as we stood around her praying that she would recover, and be ok.
It still hurts, I have a piece of my heart missing, but I have made the decision to accept what has happened. I still struggle with the five stages of grief and loss. It is something that I do not believe someone will ever FULLY get over. I refuse to continue questioning my higher power and continue with this anger/negativity, as that is not something that my Grandmother would want for me, and it honestly just doesn’t feel good. My Grandmother has lived an amazing long life and I am so grateful that my higher power has blessed me and allowed me to be a part of this world as her Granddaughter.
Fin
“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest.”
I have a lot of shifts I need to make in life. The biggest things I need to continue working on/working on is letting go of my need to have control of things, lowering expectations, not taking things for granted, working on forgiveness/acceptance, focusing more on things that matter vs. what do not, and continue to identify/work on reducing/eliminating learned patterns that aren’t healthy. Lastly, I will always continue to take with me, my Grandmother's final full phrase to me and my siblings before de-compensating quickly: “Jackie everything is going to be ok”.